“Everything Seemed So Good”

When “everything seemed so good”, the short story (in case you don’t have time to read the whole post) is that “everything wasn’t so good”. Believe it. Everything was not as good as it seemed. It is not as good as it seems.

There’s been a lot in the media about suicide lately, in New Zealand particularly. There have been the on-going discussions about the Netflix series ‘Thirteen Reasons Why‘ generated by the book of the same name by Jay Asher. I am only just starting to watch the series, so have no other comment to make.

In New Zealand too, there has been an on-going call for a review of the mental health system in our country, some of which has been generated as a response to statistics of suicide, and what seems an ineffective system that all too often ends in the death by suicide of people who don’t get adequate care. More people die by suicide in my country than die on our roads. This is not acceptable, although I would add that neither toll is acceptable to me.

Then this past week, perhaps New Zealand’s best-known advocate for suicide prevention, comedian Mike King, resigned from the government’s Suicide Prevention Guidelines Panel after a draft paper was released contain no specifics or targets to lower statistics. This post is not about Mike King’s resignation, and so I won’t get into it here. But it does seem significant to me, that there has been so a large outpouring of disappointment and anger directed towards those of the Ministry of Health who wrote and released the draft paper. Note however that the paper has been released for public discussion and comment so I would encourage readers who are concerned to make their views known to the Ministry of Health.

And then at the end of last week came news of the death by suicide of musician, Chris Cornell. I admit that I had not heard of him until last week, but now I find myself commenting on reaction to his death. That in itself is a little crazy but as we know, when celebrities die there is a great outpouring of reactions of all types. And when that death appears to be the result of suicide, the outpouring seems to be even greater. Suddenly everyone has an opinion (including me sometimes) and every opinion tends to hold too much in the way of assumptions.

As I said, I wasn’t familiar with Chris Cornell, and I admit I have quickly given up reading much of what has been published both by mainstream media and individuals on social media. That is because, most of it made me so angry. Most of it, missed the point for me.

Let’s take this statement:

“But, why, many are asking, would a man who was worshiped (sic) by his fans, had a beautiful family and successful career, take his own life?”
– Matt Agorist, The Free Thought Project.com

Are people that shallow? Do people actually believe that because someone’s life looks so good, that it must be that good? This is what makes me angry. Whether the subject is a celebrity or simply your next door neighbour, reality is never quite as good as it seems to outsiders. Never.

What I know of Chris Cornell is that he was a successful musician, a family man, a middle-aged man, but also a recovering addict and someone taking prescription medication for anxiety.

As an addict myself, let me assure you that addicts are not addicts for the sheer pleasure of it. In very simplistic terms, we are addicts because we wanted reality to be better than it was, you see to addicts it wasn’t as good as it seemed. And being an addict is not as good as it might seem to those outside their world.

The need to take prescription medication for any mental health issue also spells out to me that everything is not as good as it might seem. We don’t take those pills for the buzz! But then, maybe if you’re looking in from the outside, that might be how it seems.

I also know that middle-aged men are taking their own lives too often. The statistics are pretty well published and that suggests to me that their lives are not as good as they might seem to those of us on the outside.

I find it really sad that society generally sees only what it wants to see. When someone dies by suicide, society sees nothing of what was that person’s reality. This must make it incredibly hard on family and friends to grieve when society refuses to see what was real.

It must also make it very difficult for those who have suicidal thoughts, to get help from those around them.  Because those around them refuse to accept that everything might not have been as good as it seemed.

This is not rocket-science, but I think that it can make all the difference in how we are there for those left behind, and those who still struggle. If we are to be of any help, we have to acknowledge that the view from the outside, is not the reality on the inside.

Thanks for reading

Cate