Excuse me for a moment while I rant.
Here’s a bit of free advice. Well, anything here is free but this is worth taking if you’re not too strong in the ‘wise‘ department. Don’t under any circumstances say “that’s nice, dear” to anyone unless you’re absolutely sure that ‘that‘ is actually ‘nice‘. If you say it just to be ‘nice‘ but haven’t checked whether it is actually nice, haven’t even heard what was actually said, or just making conversation… you’re getting yourself into hot water. Being told “that’s nice, dear” is not at all nice when ‘that‘ is anything but nice.
What does ‘that’s nice, dear‘ mean anyway? Nothing. It’s simply something to say when you can be bothered saying something real. In other words, it’s not worth saying, so don’t say it.
And just while we’re at it, forget about ever saying “I told you so“. That might seem obvious but I heard that one this week.
End of rant.
It’s been a trying week in Cate’s world. A little too much of ‘Cate versus Cate’s mind’. A few ‘that’s nice,dear‘s didn’t go down too well, especially followed up by “I told you so“. They never do, but this week I just wasn’t in the mood for meaningless words. I would rather have had silence. Actually I always prefer silence. Silence in a wonderful thing… until you start thinking too much.
I know that it is often said that we should let go of the things we have no control over. But that is so hard. I have so much in my life right now over which I have no control, and actually letting some of them go is not an option. I’m the first to admit that I could let go of some of those things, the problem is that I don’t want to. Yes, mindfulness would work… if I wanted it to. That might sound crazy but I’m one of those people who likes to have worked everything out in my mind before I let it go. I want to understand the puzzle, understand what I could or couldn’t have done differently. I want to know that others in the situation are okay, and even if I have no control over that, I still want to work it all out in my mind so I can get some peace. If I simply let it all go, my mind might be easier in some respects but I feel like I don’t have closure.
For a moment, let’s go back to my last post, Claiming My Voice Back. It wasn’t the easiest to write, let alone press ‘publish‘. Once I had though, I began to feel pretty good. I had done it! It had taken me a year (minimum), but I had finally done it. That felt good. But then I started thinking, because in that situation of my atrociously awful internet relationship there are a whole heap of unanswered questions, which ultimately I have to simply let go. I’m never going to be able to know for sure. I know that, yet my mind that wants to ‘work everything out‘ wants the answers anyway. So by the next day my mind was spinning wildly. And frankly, it was making me emotionally sick.
It’s a bit like when you know you want some more ice cream, but you know you’ll explode if you eat anymore. You give in to one side of your brain, and end up later feeling sorry. I did this to myself. I made myself emotionally sick , yet I couldn’t stop trying to piece together the puzzle.
The other issue in ‘the things Cate can’t control‘ discussion, is those things that I might not be able to control, yet backing away isn’t an option. Just sometimes we have to stay in the situation anyway. Those times are hard. I’m not sure if I’m sitting waiting for the train wreck in front of my eyes or just watching the sun go down. The one thing I know is that I can’t back away or for that matter, turn my back. It’s really hard to handle those situations. Much as I like having control in my life, I realise that I can’t have control over everything (damn it!) and I have no control over the lives of those I love. I simply have to watch.
With all these things going on this week, I’m starting to think I need some help. The atrociously awful internet relationship has had a huge impact on my life in so many ways, and while I have dealt with so much of that in the past year, I am still find it incredibly hard to trust people. Anyone. Fairly intense paranoia would be a good description and I can feel myself pulling away from humankind. I realised this week I might just need some help with this. Maybe I can’t do it on my own. So I’m thinking about whether to go back to therapy for a while.
I’ve done a lot of therapy in the past and I don’t think I need anything long-term, but I am starting to realise that I can’t do this alone. It is too big. Too much went terribly wrong and it’s finally dawned on me that it is too much for this one woman.
I’m not sure how I’m going to make therapy happen, but I realised one thing this week…
When something bad happens in my life, I can use it as an excuse to destroy me… or I can get back up, tend the wounds and keep going.
If more therapy is what I need to be able to keep going, then I will find a way to make that happen.
And if anyone says “that’s nice, dear“…
“Another page turns on the calendar, April now, not March.
I am spinning the silk threads of my story, weaving the fabric of my world… I spun out of control. Eating was hard. Breathing was hard. Living was hardest.
I wanted to swallow the bitter seeds of forgetfulness… Somehow, I dragged myself out of the dark and asked for help.
I spin and weave and knit my words and visions until a life starts to take shape.
There is no magic cure, no making it all go away forever. There are only small steps upward; an easier day, an unexpected laugh, a mirror that doesn’t matter anymore.
I am thawing.”
― Laurie Halse Anderson, Wintergirls