It might be New Year’s Day here but I am ignoring that. I don’t do New Year’s Resolutions, as I have said before. It just so happens that I woke up this morning and it’s a different year. Someone let off a lot of fireworks last night(think what could have been done with that money), some people won’t remember last night, but hey, big deal…
I did something yesterday that I don’t often do. I went back and read my last post. I don’t often do it because by the time I hit ‘publish’ I’ve usually read it so many times that I nearly know it by heart. Not to mention how many times I wrote it in my mind before pressing fingertips to keyboard. But this time there was something bugging me about it. And when I looked, I found it. A case of paranoia building, along with a case of ‘blame myself for everything’ coming through.
Why is it that I do that? Pretty much every time even something minor happens, I am quick to blame myself. Someone does (or doesn’t,for that matter) do something, or says something, that doesn’t sit right for me? Yeah, every time I blame myself. I’m the one with the mental illness, so it must be my fault.
The instances I was referring to in my last post were pretty minor, but I felt upset. I felt that someone in my life didn’t want to be near me. I have no idea whether that was true. It was simply an assumption based on their actions.
Through many years of psychotherapy, group therapy, and every other kind of therapy possible, I have learnt to examine my thoughts, feelings and reactions. But sometimes I think I take that too far. Maybe what they did, had absolutely nothing to do with me. Maybe they were having a bad day (or six). Actually, maybe the whole thing was nothing.
On the other hand it could be to do with me. Now that’s getting confusing, isn’t it? I guess the conclusion I’m coming to is that therapy is great (usually… and that’s another post I really must write) but we can take it too far. We can turn everything into being about us, when actually it may have nothing to do with us.
I say lighten up, Cate. If it was about me the person concerned can tell me and then I can decide if I need to do anything. Meanwhile relax. The whole world is not about me!
“We spend January 1st walking through our lives, room by room, drawing up a list of work to be done, cracks to be patched. Maybe this year, to balance the list, we ought to walk through the rooms of our lives…not looking for flaws, but for potential.”
— Ellen Goodman