jetpack – Infinite Sadness… or hope?

Yes, I want to fly. Firstly it is a simple wish to get on a plane and fly. It’s years since I boarded a plane. Far too long. I have friends I want to see. I’d start here in New Zealand and then head off around the world to meet and catch up with some very special people . One day I’m going to make it happen. How? I don’t know. But it will happen.

I love flying in a plane. We all have our preferences for where we sit but I always want a window seat. That way I can watch us fly above the clouds and that is always a magical feeling I will never get sick of. I love looking out on the mountains on my flight north from here. Way up there above the clouds it feels like life is exactly as it should be. I can appreciate the beauty of this world and forget that troubles exist. I love it.

One day I want to fly like in my dreams. I love my flying dreams. I have no idea of the significance of such dreams, and I don’t care much. I just love the effortless feeling of flying on and on, high above anything that could cause me trouble. I’m not sure whether I will have to take up residence with The Jetsons, or buy myself a Jet Pack, or maybe technology will advance so that other means exist. But it would be great. Here in Christchurch we have an abundance of badly damaged roads thanks to our earthquakes of 2010/11. Flying would be so much better than continually having to get the wheel alignment on my car adjusted. Yes, somehow I am going to fly.

And I’m going to fly one more way (at least). About 20 years ago my mother gave me a birthday card that said “to the woman who has everything” (maybe that’s how it seemed on the outside). I wasn’t at all convinced as while I had a good job, a nice home (including a nice mortgage) and plenty of material possessions, I also knew how much of a fraud I felt. I was convinced that one day soon people were going to find out that I wasn’t really who I portrayed myself to be. I didn’t think I actually deserved the job I had (or any other job I had in the past), and ‘knew’ that one step wrong and my bosses would realise I wasn’t the great worker they thought they had hired. Everytime I was called to the boss’s office (which was often due to the nature of the job) I was convinced my days were over.

I thought one day my friends (and my family) would realise that actually I was a horrible person that didn’t deserve their love or friendship. The man I had a relationship with (who I thought was the love of my life) would realise that I wasn’t the person he really wanted to be with. Actually that one happened and he left. Not just me, but left the country. That’s another story. But in terms of the others it was my lack of self-worth that convinced me that I was a complete fraud and one day, my number would be up.

Cut a long story short and what followed was nearly twenty years of mental illness. It’s not exactly surprising. Now though, I feel like I’m getting a handle on things again. I’ve started to believe in myself and that makes a huge difference. It’s certainly not plain sailing and I still battle every day. It’s not helped by the recent diagnosis of Fibromyalgia which leaves me wondering what life is going to be like for me. The thought of another 40 years of what I’ve had in the past nine months is enough to plummet me back into depression. I feel like I have to literally fight it off every single day.

I don’t know whether I’m going to get, or whether I want another “woman who has everything” card. That’s just not me anymore (even in pretence) but I would like to feel I could fly… without the turbulence of the past twenty years. I’m going to keep on working to make it happen. Borderline Personality Disorder is not one of those one’s you can recover from. It’s me. But I’m sure I can manage it better and push some of those demons away.

Meanwhile relax and check out this kiwi music. Music helps me push those demons away.