This has been a hard day for me today. I’ve done everything I could to hide from it. To put on a smile, make happy posts on social media, to do ‘happy’ things. All the while what I was hiding was that I was breaking up. The emotion of today crumples who I am, and I’m not sure exactly where I go next.
It’s really easy for me to put the ‘happy face’ on. I do it all the time. If I’m with anyone who knows the ‘happy face’ is not how it really is, then I’ll struggle to carry it off. But today, it was only me that knew I was falling apart. Only me that knew that ‘innocently’ spoken words, and words not spoken at all are so damn painful.
Yesterday I saw a post on Facebook which must have been written for me. Well, not really. But it was appropriate to how I feel today. I don’t know who the real author of the image is (it’s so hard to tell these days with people stealing images all over the place). Because of that I can’t share the image with you, as it is important to me to attribute credit accordingly. But I can share the words that hit me:
What can I do?
You are loved!
You are worthy!
They were quoted as words to say to some who is feeling down. But for me, they are words that I wish that a specific person in my life would say to me. I know s/he won’t. I won’t ever hear those words from that one figure in your life, and today that is tearing me apart.
There are other people in my life who would use these words on occasions, but sometimes it’s what you need from just one specific person. Common sense and experience though, tells me it’s ain’t going to happen. I just have to ride this time out. There’s another day tomorrow and maybe it won’t hurt so much.
But in the meantime it hurts like hell.
“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.”
— Louise Erdrich (The Painted Drum LP)