This Has Been A Hard Day

This has been a hard day for me today.  I’ve done everything I could to hide from it.  To put on a smile, make happy posts on social media, to do ‘happy’ things.  All the while what I was hiding was that I was breaking up.  The emotion of today crumples who I am, and I’m not sure exactly where I go next.

It’s really easy for me to put the ‘happy face’ on.  I do it all the time.  If I’m with anyone who knows the ‘happy face’ is not how it really is, then I’ll struggle to carry it off.  But today, it was only me that knew I was falling apart.  Only me that knew that ‘innocently’ spoken words, and words not spoken at all are so damn painful.

Yesterday I saw a post on Facebook which must have been written for me.  Well, not really.  But it was appropriate to how I feel today.  I don’t know who the real author of the image is (it’s so hard to tell these days with people stealing images all over the place).  Because of that I can’t share the image with you, as it is important to me to attribute credit accordingly.  But I can share the words that hit me:

You’re important!

I’m here!

What can I do?

You are loved!

You are worthy!

They were quoted as words to say to some who is feeling down.  But for me, they are words that I wish that a specific person in my life would say to me.  I know s/he won’t.  I won’t ever hear those words from that one figure in your life, and today that is tearing me apart.

There are other people in my life who would use these words on occasions, but sometimes it’s what you need from just one specific person.  Common sense and experience though, tells me it’s ain’t going to happen. I just have to ride this time out.  There’s another day tomorrow and maybe it won’t hurt so much.

But in the meantime it hurts like hell.

“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” 

— Louise Erdrich (The Painted Drum LP)

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21 thoughts on “This Has Been A Hard Day

  1. So sorry to hear this!

    Specially since you and I have been bantering all day on FB. So sorry. I can’t even start to imagine how it must fell (((HUGS)))

    However, let me just say this…. what’s the definition of manfriend? 😉

    1. Thank you. You know you might not have known it at the time but you helped me get through today. So I feel very lucky to have you as my friend.

      Oh and just for old times sake… man+friend=manfriend. Simple really. 🙂

  2. I understand completely where you are coming from, how this feels.. mental health issues are a rollercoaster ride from hell.. you just have to hang on, wait for those periods of relative peace that mean so much inbetween the fenzy. i don’t think i can post an image here? i saved one of those inspirational quote type memes yesterday and it’s fits perfectly here..
    Sometimes the strength within you is not a big fiery flame for all to see, it is just a tiny spark that whispers ever so softly “you got this, keep going”

    1. I love that quote. Thank you so much for sharing it with me. As for posting images, I know posting an image in the comments section is possible because I’ve seen it done but like you, I have no idea how. 😉

  3. Pingback: Being Heard | Infinite Sadness... or hope?

  4. I understand that ache. IF only we could get what we need from the people we need it from .. right? Sorry you’re having a grey day; I’m across the world, but I’ll send a few happy thoughts today. Maybe by the time they reach you they’ll have turned into a typhoon of happy energy.

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