Today is the first day of spring down here in New Zealand, although the weather in Christchurch has been pretty good lately so I have been thinking it was already spring. Anyway, I have my daffodils in a vase, and outside my kitchen window there are birds frantically building a nest in a tree which used to be the domain of my cat, Penny. She’s probably looking down from heaven horrified that I’m letting this happen. After all that was HER tree. But I’m fascinated watching the progress.
Today is also Father’s Day in New Zealand, and I admit I find that a little more troublesome. I loved my father dearly and used to enjoy having a day for him, but now that he’s gone I feel a bit like being at a party where the guest of honour was a no-show. It just doesn’t work. It doesn’t seem right.
In the past week I have seen lots of advertising telling me to buy everything from socks to chainsaws for my father. It is all wasted on me. It was anyway, as my family never went in for the commercialisation of Father’s Day (and Mother’s Day). A card, a hug and a family dinner was it. And it was enough. My father was never going to appreciate a chainsaw anyway.
Actually when I think about it, he would have. In his last years he had a bee in his bonnet over a neighbour’s tree hanging over my property. The neighbour refused to do anything and Dad refused to let it go. Had I given him a chainsaw he would have found his way over the fence (the mind boggles at the thought) and chopped it down himself. Then all hell would really have set loose.
The thing is that I was lucky with my father. I might not have him around now, and I continue to miss him every day. But I had a father who loved me, was there for me and made sure I had my physical and emotional needs met as I grew up, and long into adulthood. I know that there are too many people who don’t, or haven’t had fathers like that. How do you handle Father’s Day when your memories, or even your current reality is either no father, or an abusive, neglectful or unloving father? It’s pretty tough to be grateful for a father like that and I think the commercialisation of such an occasion only succeeds in rubbing dirt in the wounds even more.
The truth is that not all fathers are good fathers. I wonder how we acknowledge that, in a way that doesn’t exclude people who have this reality? It seems to me that as a society, when Fathers Day hits (and Mothers Day for that matter) we forget that reality.
As I mention Mothers Day, I think this is an even bigger issue because some how society paints a picture of the wonderful, loving mother who provides for our every need. We get a picture from the media of mothers who would do anything for their children. And sure, that is an accurate picture for many, but not for all. For many the abusive, neglectful or unloving mother is a reality.
For many, mothers weren’t there for their children and failed to provide for their physical and emotional needs. Mothers can be as abusive as fathers, but I’m inclined to think that society hides from that truth. Somehow it’s easier not to think of women in that way.
Again, Mothers Day as we know it simply serves to isolate those who have had less than ideal relationships with their mothers, almost more than it isolates those who have poor or no relationships with their fathers.
Unfortunately I’m not sure there is an easy answer, except I know that it is terribly hard to live with the reality of poor parental relationships anyway. It is simply made more isolating and difficult when as a society we paint such rosy pictures of the traditional nuclear family.
I miss my father today. I will probably go and put some daffodils on his grave later, but mostly I will simply be thankful that my father loved me, and perhaps even more so, believed in me. I know I am so fortunate.
This one’s for Dad…
“All parents damage their children. It cannot be helped. Youth, like pristine glass, absorbs the prints of its handlers. Some parents smudge, others crack, a few shatter childhoods completely into jagged little pieces, beyond repair.”
― Mitch Albom, The Five People You Meet in Heaven
- DANCING WITH DAD (infinitesadnessorhope.wordpress.com)
- WHAT DAD TAUGHT ME ABOUT SHOES (PASSIONS PROFILE CHALLENGE #4) (infinitesadnessorhope.wordpress.com)