This Warrior Princess

Xena: Warrior Princess
Xena: Warrior Princess (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Remember Xena, Warrior Princess?  The television series ran from 1995 to 2001 and while I don’t admit to having been an avid follower, just sometimes I wished I was a Warrior Princess like Xena, played by Kiwi Lucy Lawless.  She seemed fearless.  She could take on any battle.  Oh, and while in the middle of battle she always looked damn sexy and gorgeous.

This Warrior Princess has been fighting this week, to stay afloat.  And it didn’t look pretty.  A fibromyalgia flare stayed firmly with me for the entire week.  I am just starting to feel vaguely human again, but only just.  That’s why I can finally write again.  I spent a fair amount of the week in bed.  When I wasn’t trying to sleep it off I wished I were suspended somehow mid-air.  With absolutely nothing touching me the nerve pain might have been livable.  As such means has yet to be developed, I’m offering someone the opportunity to put all us fibro-ites out of our misery and create such a thing.

To be honest though, I can be a Warrior Princess when it comes to physical pain… if I must.  Fibro pain doesn’t always make sense but it makes more sense than mental pain.  To me anyway.  I know there are people who will disagree with me, and that’s okay.  Just for me?  I’d rather have physical pain than mental pain.

Along with the fibro flare I have been dealing with the realities of having lost some friends.  Whatever happened to Queen’s lyrics

“Friends will be friends

Right to the end”

It’s a nice thought, but it doesn’t always happen like that.  Lately I’ve lost a number of friends.  People who said they’d be there right to the end, and others who I always thought would be there right to the end.  But they’ve gone.  And try as I might to be Warrior Princess-like, it hurts.

Too often I think of something I want to share with one of them, but they’re gone.  Oh how easy it is to block someone on Facebook, or stop following them on some other form of social media.  They’re gone… just like that.  That’s exactly what has happened to me, with no explanation given.  Just gone from my world.

Oh, I can give myself an explanation, but it’s probably not the real reason.  What’s more I could turn up on their doorstep, except their doorsteps are half a world away, so that’s hardly practical.  And if you think that because of distance those people are not important, you’re wrong.

Why is it that in this age of social media it is far too easy to cut people out of our lives?  Why is it that we don’t need to offer an explanation for leaving anymore? And why is it that we don’t stop to tell our friends how much they mean to us, until they’re gone and it’s too late?  Why are friends expendable?  Why is it that when they’ve served their purpose we just push them out of our lives?

Yes, I feel hurt…   and no, I don’t feel Warrior Princess-like.  Thanks to fibro I couldn’t possibly have squeezed my way into Lucy Lawless’ costume, but I wish I could bat away the hurt that easily.

This week it hurts.  Physically and emotionally.  I need my friends this week, but I’m down a few.  I’m not someone who easily gives away a friendship.  Friendships mean the world to me, even those half a world away.  Unfortunately I realise that it’s so much easier for some.

And if you say I’m better off without friends like that, well maybe that’s true.  Maybe one day I’ll be able to think that way, but right now it hurts.  Right now, I’m nowhere near ready to hear that.

“Why did you do all this for me?’ he asked. ‘I don’t deserve it. I’ve never done anything for you.’ ‘You have been my friend,’ replied Charlotte. ‘That in itself is a tremendous thing.” 

― E.B. White, Charlotte’s Web

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12 thoughts on “This Warrior Princess

  1. silverscreendreamer

    I was in the same situation this week re: loss of friends, so I can completely relate. It does hurt, and it’s not easy when you’re trying to keep your head above water with other things going on as well. I can’t take the pain of your fibro away but I can share the burden of your emotional sadness.

  2. Sigh. Losing friends is always a sad, painful thing. One feels betrayed (or at least I have felt that way).

    I’m sorry it happened to you. I also have had friends disappear on me and it hurt. And then, I found new friends. It doesn’t make the hurt be any less but it brings new hope and smiles into your life. I hope you get new friends too.

    (((hug)))

  3. Maybe we’re better off, but I have begin to doubt the wisdom of that applying in all cases.

    And “better off” or not, still it hurts like hell and always will. I love you, my Kitty Cate.

    (And please excuse the silly pet name of mine. I have wanted to call you it for weeks now, I have no idea why, but I fought it and fought it until today, when I had to.)

    1. Kitty Cate? Well I’ve been called a whole lot worse than that, so I can live with it, seeing it’s you. As for being better off. I’m sure that’s true sometimes. And I’m sure that in time I might be more convinced. Meanwhile thanks for the love.

  4. I guess I’ll just blurt it out, Cate:
    I’m angry. I haven’t known you for long, but have for the summer, and this summer seems to be bringing crap your way much, much too frequently. So I’m angry, and I’m sorry.

    For what it’s worth, my guess is you couldn’t find two more loyal friends than Claudia and Ruby. Still… The pain goes on, I know. And for that I’m sorry.

    1. Thank you for being angry. I think I am too. I hope though in time I’ll be back to some good things coming my way. And meanwhile, you’re quite right about Claudia and Ruby. You too. 🙂

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