Clarification Of The Unspoken

A couple of days ago I wrote about something that is Unspoken in my life.  A number of readers have indicated to me in various forms that they thought I was speaking of my mental illness.  That I was unable to speak of my mental illness.  This is not the case, and so it seems important to me for a number of reasons that I clarify.

The grizzly bear in the room which I spoke of was not my depression, my Borderline Personality Disorder, or indeed my mental illness.  Actually I speak of these things as often as I can, because I strongly believe that to do so (in the right environment) contributes to lessening the stigma of mental illness.

What I was speaking of, in the representation of the grizzly bear, was actually what is best described as my understanding of the root cause of my mental illnesses.  A friend who had been reading back through my blog had commented to me that I hadn’t written about the causes of my illness as I, or anyone else, understood it.  She was right.

Some things sadly, can not be spoken of here.  I know that it means the full story of my journey is not here, but out of love, respect and a fair amount of fear, the unspoken remains unspoken.

It’s not how I want it to be but I know it would be easily misunderstood, and actually has been misunderstood (and not accepted) by the very few people I have attempted to share it with.  All it caused was judgement and hurt.  That’s why I have chosen not to speak of it, except to say that it exists, it has a huge impact on my life (both in the past and now)  and yes, it hurts.

I chose to keep it spoken of only in therapy, and that worked.  I was able to work through a lot of the issues both from the past and now.  But giving up therapy came as a necessity rather than what was desirable.  As with many things, I think I will turn to writing.  Not for my blog but for a private journey into the unspoken.  The problem with things being unspoken is that they grow in both fact and in mind.  Hopefully turning to writing will help me manage what is a very difficult and painful issue.

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” 

― Maya Angelou


7 thoughts on “Clarification Of The Unspoken

  1. Thanks for clarifying that Cate. I was one who misunderstood your post. But I do appreciate what you mean by your own grizzly.
    I constantly wrestle with what should be ok to write and what not. There are some. Things I’d like to write about but now is not the right time

  2. Cate,
    It IS very difficult to talk or write about the reasons and what has and perhaps still is happening in our lives that have contributed to why we are and feel the way we do, especially if those people that we feel are responsible (in whatever way) are still around and even more so if they are within our immediate families or other… Things we say or write are often perceived as if we “blame them for our illness”, they have no idea what our problem is, or feel we should just get over it and get on with our lives… IT SUCKS!! Part of you just wants to scream in their face: “You DID this to me, this is how I FELT when you were doing it and this is HOW I STILL feel… In some ways it’s good to just blurt it all out and then tell them to “deal with it!”. In other ways, what would the point be? They’ll never be able to understand how or what they did has impacted on our lives and sent us from an early age spiraling into the darkness… 😦

    This is one of the reasons why I have chosen to have an anonymous blog. I can blurt out whatever emotion I am feeling and if people don’t like it, they can go somewhere else. Not talking about those that have questioned your “Grizzly” in the room but in general. I don’t have to think about anyone but MYSELF and how I’m feeling right then and there. No one can jump on me or try to give me a “guilty conscience” or make me defend myself for what I write… Life is tough enough at times without having to defend oneself from the very people that have contributed to the pile of crap that is called our past…

    I’ve been very quiet on my blog since spring. I’m on a roller-coaster, not knowing where it will take me. I’m not in a good place in my mind right now. For once, it’s not due to “stuff” from my past. However, the stuff from my past is playing a major part in how I’m dealing with all that’s going on. I’m in hyper vigilante mode BIG TIME but not knowing who or what to POUNCE on… *sigh*

    Anyhow… Just wanted you to know that I’m still here, I read everything you write and I’m cheering for you!

    //Cat, the raving Banshee…

    1. Hi Cat, You got it in one. Thank you for getting it. I hope your roller-coaster slows down soon and gives you a chance to rest. We all need that. Hugs right back. And you know what? It will happen. One day it will be peace. ❤

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