A couple of days ago I wrote about something that is Unspoken in my life. A number of readers have indicated to me in various forms that they thought I was speaking of my mental illness. That I was unable to speak of my mental illness. This is not the case, and so it seems important to me for a number of reasons that I clarify.
The grizzly bear in the room which I spoke of was not my depression, my Borderline Personality Disorder, or indeed my mental illness. Actually I speak of these things as often as I can, because I strongly believe that to do so (in the right environment) contributes to lessening the stigma of mental illness.
What I was speaking of, in the representation of the grizzly bear, was actually what is best described as my understanding of the root cause of my mental illnesses. A friend who had been reading back through my blog had commented to me that I hadn’t written about the causes of my illness as I, or anyone else, understood it. She was right.
Some things sadly, can not be spoken of here. I know that it means the full story of my journey is not here, but out of love, respect and a fair amount of fear, the unspoken remains unspoken.
It’s not how I want it to be but I know it would be easily misunderstood, and actually has been misunderstood (and not accepted) by the very few people I have attempted to share it with. All it caused was judgement and hurt. That’s why I have chosen not to speak of it, except to say that it exists, it has a huge impact on my life (both in the past and now) and yes, it hurts.
I chose to keep it spoken of only in therapy, and that worked. I was able to work through a lot of the issues both from the past and now. But giving up therapy came as a necessity rather than what was desirable. As with many things, I think I will turn to writing. Not for my blog but for a private journey into the unspoken. The problem with things being unspoken is that they grow in both fact and in mind. Hopefully turning to writing will help me manage what is a very difficult and painful issue.
“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.”
― Maya Angelou