A few days ago someone, who has been using my blog as a means to track me down personally, took a step to contact me directly. I’ve just realised that I haven’t posted since then. I have written, but I just haven’t quite got as far as pressing ‘publish’. I am still a little reluctant to hit the ‘publish’ button because I guess it has left me with a bit of a bad taste in my mouth.
I can’t go into the details, because there are others involved, and I’m not prepared to cause them hurt. I stand by my friends, always. But I’m also not prepared to run and hide.
Writing a blog in my own name also had some risks for me, which I have explained in previous posts. In spite of those risks I got to a point where I had hidden for long enough, been silent for long enough, moulded my life to fit those fears for long enough. It is my opinion that by writing what I do in my own name, that I am taking one small step for stamping out stigma associated with mental illness, and while I totally respect that others don’t do this (for their own good reasons), for me it is important to keep writing in my own name. I have literally hidden from my own name for long enough.
I’m not going to run and hide. I don’t believe the person who contacted me is actually looking out for my best interests, but rather that they are doing it to serve their own purposes. Yes, their use of my blog for these purposes leaves me feeling like it has been tainted. But I know that I have a wonderful set of connections through this blog and I’m not willing to stop speaking, and risk losing those.
If you are completely confused by what I have written, I apologise. I realise it is a little more cryptic than I would like, but now that I know for certainty that I am being watched again, I am trying to be careful at the same time as attempting to explain my silence.
For long enough I have been subjected to people who want to watch and listen, to see what I say, and what I do. To those people I say, you just keep that up if it makes you happy. I’m not changing my life to suit a few who like to tell themselves they have my best interests at heart. As we often say in New Zealand, as an ode to a familiar beer advertisement…
“The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.”
– Martin Luther King Jr.