Hope Is A Four Letter Word I Use Now

Image credit: thefabweb.com

Recently I saw hope defined as:

The feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best; A person or thing in which expectations are centered; to look forward with desire and reasonable confidence.”   (1.)

I have this seedling, that was planted a while ago from Borrowed Hope.  At the time I had no hope of my own.  I couldn’t see anyway that things would work out, let alone see that I had it in me to make that happen.  My own hope somehow started to grow at the time I lost that Borrowed Hope.  I don’t really understand how, but I know that’s where it started.

I began to see that I could make things get better, and no amount of convincing talk by anyone else had allowed that to happen before.  Maybe it was the right time, or maybe I had to reach in and pull on every ounce of reserve I had left.  However it happened, it began to grow.

It’s important to say that hope for me is more than a casual ‘it will get better’ line in my head.  It’s a specific belief that the future looks better and I can make a difference in my own recovery.  If you’d told me that five years ago, I would have thought you were spinning me a yarn, and not a very good yarn at that.  But I have got to a point where I can see that I can change my life, inspite of my mental and physical illnesses.

Image credit: flickr.com

With that in mind, I have changed one four letter word for another.  I’ve changed the name of my blog to Infinite Sadness… or hope?  When I started my blog was named to question a previously held belief that Infinite Sadness was my lot.  The name was asking what else can there be?  Now I’m realising that hope is what there is. Infinite Sadness was my name for the struggle I had been through and that I wrote about in my book by that name.  At the time I published it I just thought this is how it is going to be for the rest of my life, and that’s what some doctors had told me.  By changing the name of my blog I want to acknowledge that I’ve come to a point where hope is there as an alternative to Infinite Sadness.  But I need to make that happen.  If I use my hope to move forward then I leave Infinite Sadness kicking in the dust.  That’s my plan.

All that said I’m not ignoring that I have Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and that isn’t something that is just going to disappear.  I’m not ignoring that I still struggle to control disordered eating patterns and body image, and that I have a tendency towards depression, and general self-destruction.  I have all of these, they make up who I am, but I believe I can manage my symptoms so that life is better in the future if I focus on the hope I have.  It’s a journey, and I take these things and physical issues I face with me.  They make the task a little harder but I now think it’s going to be possible.  I’m sure there will be days when it is hard to find that hope but I can see that I have turned a corner, and I think the man (my Dad) who lent me his hope for so long, would be proud.

You know it feels a bit weird talking about hope, almost like I need to apologise for seeing a little bit of positive finally.  I guess what is important is that we are all on individual journeys and my hope is that if after all this time I can start to feel the air is clearing, then maybe it can give my friends who struggle some hope too.  That’s what I want: to be able to show that hope can follow Infinite Sadness.

Now if I could just work out how to change my domain name without losing my whole blog…

“There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.’  No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.” 

―    Dalai Lama XIV

“The world is indeed full of peril and in it there are many dark places.
But still there is much that is fair.  And though in all lands, love is now
mingled with grief, it still grows, perhaps, the greater.”  

―    J.R.R. Tolkien,    The Lord of the Rings

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15 thoughts on “Hope Is A Four Letter Word I Use Now

  1. Cate,
    You talk about me amazing you, well, you amaze me. We each have our own special mix of trauma and challenge that is uniquely our own. I don’t see that I could have coped with the things you have. Reading your story strengthens the hope I have for mine.
    Blessings,
    Kina

  2. EXCELLENT!!! Your best yet! As you know, that four letter word has been on my mind a lot lately, and it is one I struggle to find real meaning in. I so often think of you when I am feeling as though the air will never clear because you DO give me HOPE! Not unrealistic hope that I will be “fixed” one day, but hope that tomorrow can be better and illness can be managed.

    Now…STOP MAKING ME CRY!!! ❤

    1. You’re going to make me cry in a minute. But hey, if you can get hope from me having hope? Then I’m happy. And you’re right it’s not about unrealistic ideas that everything is going to be rosey. I just know that for both of us we are going to be able to manage this thing. Sending big hugs on the air waves 🙂

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