I’m meant to be writing about my passions today but I just have to share this with you. I’m sharing it because it is exactly what I need to be saying to my body after years of neglect, hate and intense loathing. For some reason I was driving through town earlier today and thinking about how at some stage I have to be able to get to the stage of loving my body, seeing myself as beautiful. It was a random thought, not particularly welcome. I have no idea why it came to mind. It was like a challenge I made to myself as I drove. This is something I still need to accomplish.
I’ve spent years starving myself, over-exercising, self harming and at times over-eating. If it wasn’t one thing it was another, and my body bears the scars that show it all. That’s just part of all that I hate. All of this has been hard to find the words to share with you. The shame is intense. It’s like I can now almost accept the person I am, but I still can’t accept the body. When things go wrong I still seek to take it out on my body. And the damage left behind (and yes, all these things have caused physical damage) just leaves me hating my body even more.
Anyway read this. I felt like I’d been kicked in the gut when I did, but it is exactly what I need. This caterpillar is slowly working to become a butterfly who can fly, and every little step of challenging myself like this helps.
Dear Body… (a letter by Lauren B)