The Body I Hate

I’m meant to be writing about my passions today but I just have to share this with you.  I’m sharing it because it is exactly what I need to be saying to my body after years of neglect, hate and intense loathing.  For some reason I was driving through town earlier today and thinking about how at some stage I have to be able to get to the stage of loving my body, seeing myself as beautiful.  It was a random thought, not particularly welcome.  I have no idea why it came to mind.  It was like a challenge I made to myself as I drove.  This is something I still need to accomplish.

I’ve spent years starving myself, over-exercising, self harming and at times over-eating.  If it wasn’t one thing it was another, and my body bears the scars that show it all.  That’s just part of all that I hate.  All of this has been hard to find the words to share with you.  The shame is intense.  It’s like I can now almost accept the person I am, but I still can’t accept the body.  When things go wrong I still seek to take it out on my body.  And the damage left behind (and yes, all these things have caused physical damage) just leaves me hating my body even more.

Anyway read this.  I felt like I’d been kicked in the gut when I did, but it is exactly what I need.  This caterpillar is slowly working to become a butterfly who can fly, and every little step of challenging myself like this helps.

Dear Body… (a letter by Lauren B)
http://www.liberonetwork.com/2010/10/dear-body-a-letter/

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12 thoughts on “The Body I Hate

  1. I don’t know you very well, Cate, but I can say without reservation that you are dear to me. You have an indomitable spirit that defies all you’ve been through. Whether you are thick or thin, that wouldn’t change my opinion of you one bit. You have endeared yourself to me and *you* are more than the flesh and blood that encases your soul. Take care of that flesh and blood, for it is an undeniable part of you, but take especial care of your heart, for it is strong and beautiful. My thoughts are with you 🙂

    1. Thank you. You just made me cry! I don’t mean that as accusatory but to say how much what you said means to me. Now I just need to work on letting it sink it and believing it, but I’ll get there. Thanks. 🙂

  2. Thank-you so much for sharing the link to my post. I am so glad that it came on a day that you needed to read it – it’s funny because I just randomly posted it from my archives (it’s nearly 2 years old!) I am so glad that you had that ‘random’ thought in your car to start loving your body and I hope that you remember that moment & that you move forward from here, never turning back 🙂 Perhaps you should write a letter to your body as well? I know it was incredibly healing for me!

    All the best on your journey – and remember, as my English Professor told me, “Your body is your ally, it is NOT your enemy”

    ~ Lauren B.

    1. Thank you so much. Isn’t amazing how things just work together sometimes and it was just meant to be. Writing a letter to myself sounds like a great idea. Thanks. 🙂

  3. Hi Cate,
    Excellent Post!

    I may be a guy but trust me women don’t have a monopoly on this, us guys (well a lot of us) just seem to hate our bodies in a whole different way at times.

    Really liked the post

    Kind Regards
    Kevin

  4. Pingback: Self Harm & Me | Infinite Sadness… or what?

  5. Pingback: What Are The Scars All About? | Infinite Sadness… or hope?

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