A Lolly Scramble in my Head

Lolly Scramble
Lolly Scramble (Photo credit: Summer Skyes 11)

What happens when you combine mental illness, Fibromyalgia, no effective pain medication, lack of sleep, confusion and a feeling of being totally disregarded by the medical profession?  A lolly (candy) scramble of thoughts and emotions.  This isn’t a fun lolly scramble.  I hated lolly scrambles as a kid because there was this mad dash by all the kids and I feared I would be trampled on, and I always ended up with only a few lollies in my hand.  None of it seemed fair.

This is one like that.  Random thoughts attack making it hard to know what to do, who to listen and how to feel.  I wonder what I will end up with, and whether I will have anything at the end… but bruises to show for my effort.

I really just want to sit down and cry right now.  I am disappointed that my body is failing me.  Yet again my head is doing me in.  But this time in a neurological sense rather than psychiatric.  I want to cry but I don’t.  Maybe because I fear that if I start, I won’t stop.  Maybe because I fear where it might lead.  And maybe because I keep telling myself “think happy thoughts and this won’t really be happening”.  Whatever the reason, it’s not happening.  Totally dry eyes.  It is so frustrating.  I know I would feel better if I just had a damn good cry.

Since getting my diagnosis of Fibromyalgia earlier in the week, I have been flooded with information.  Some of it has been kindly offered by readers and friends, some I have found in my search for knowledge.  Some has been helpful, but some has been just plain scary.  In the end I had to stop looking.  I have a habit of wanting to read everything I can on whatever issue I face.  This is good but sometimes it gets me into trouble, and blissful ignorance might have served me better.  The problem is that I already have difficulty with regulating my emotions (thanks to my Borderline Personality Disorder).  I already have a propensity toward being depressed by reality.  I really don’t need any help to make myself feel bad.  I can do that all by myself, and yet I find myself adding to it all by the information I search out.

The problem before me is that I have a neurological disorder that is now going to be with me for life.  What’s more my doctor has told me there is no medication she can prescribe for me because of the medications I am already on (probably for life).  I have pain everyday and I am thinking that if I can’t get medication then how am I going to cope with this pain?  The pain is sufficient to stop me from doing normal everyday things.

Photo courtesy of Harvardpress.com

This is what happens.  I start to panic.  If I can’t get medication then I am not going to be able to get a job.  Does this mean I will never be able to work again?  OMG!  And if I can’t work, then I will have no money… for the rest of my life.  OMG!  And if I have no money then I can’t pay for the alternative therapies that I could otherwise try… acupuncture, osteopathy, Yoga, Pilates… the list goes on, but they all cost money.  Next thing (and please don’t be alarmed because I actually do have this under control) I find myself thinking I’d be better off dead.  What is the purpose of my life if it is going to be this bad, always?  So I go down a familiar suicide track.  Why?  When?  How? What?  Where?  I know this route only too well as I have been down this road many times before.  When I manage to stop this line of thinking I start to think about self harming.  That would relief the pressure, it would give me a break from these thoughts, somehow just seeing the blood would make me feel in control of all of this.  Again familiar thinking, but thankfully today I can stop myself.  I can say it won’t really help.  And suicide is a dumb idea because there’s still things I want to do in my life.

It might seem like crazy thinking but it makes perfect sense to me.  I’m not going down either track and I will eventually find some way of managing this illness.  But it’s important to realise that it’s not just me that thinks this way.  For many people, it’s completely normal, and unfortunately for many, they won’t be able to stop.  I can stop this time and I hope I can continue to stop, because maybe these internal battles will continue.  It’s pretty ‘normal’ for us carrying the load of mental illness.  The lolly scramble of thoughts and feelings is really completely frightening because we have little idea where it will stop, and if we can stop it in time.

And I still want to cry.


11 thoughts on “A Lolly Scramble in my Head

  1. Hi NZ Cate,

    I know exactly how you feel. I follow the train to where I have no money forever; but then I think (perhaps, unrealistically) that it HAS to get better – people survive this! It just can’t stay this bad! (My psychologist says that I am the most optimistic depressed person she has met!) Although, after reading an article about Betty White who is 90 years old, I know that I don’t want to live another 50 years in this condition!

    Now, the main reason I chose to comment here: I am on anti-depressants (sertraline) and on medication for the fibromyalgia (Lyrica (most expensive medication ever! – but that’s another post)). Although I’m not 100% happy with the management of my condition, after consulting my psychiatrist, it was okayed for me to have both medications.

    I don’t know which medications you are currently taking, or which ones your doctor is suggesting, but perhaps consult another doctor. Doctors don’t necessarily know everything! And, I know it’s brain-frizzing but, you NEED to try to arm yourself with as much information as possible when you go to see your doctor.

    I wish you only the best and hope you can stop the train at some happier places,

    1. Thanks for that Simone. I really appreciate your comment. I have heard about Lyrica and yes it seems to be the most expensive ever, well beyond what I can afford. I’m getting the impression that I should talk to my psychiatrist. He might be more help than the rheumatologist. So thanks for the idea. And I’m determined the train is going to stop at happier places. 🙂

  2. reversinginsanity

    It’s so easy to forget with all the support you provide for me, how you still battle everything just as I do as well. In your post though, you are using so many skills to handle the emotions you are going through… You’re using encouragment – telling yourself that you CAN stop going down the track so many do. You’re using mindfulness – by acknowledging how you feel and why. You’re using opposite-action, by refusing the allow the thoughts of suicide be an option and doing the opposite – LIVING. You’re using pushing away, by limiting yourself to the information overload on your new dx. Not saying you don’t need to continue to learn, but that’s enough for right now, you can come back to it at a later date. You’re using activities by blogging about it. You’re doing so well with everything that you’re dealing with…. when you get down to analyzing what you are actually saying you are using so many DBT skills – and those are just some of the few I’ve learned in my 3 weeks in it! You’re probably using way more than I can even recognize yet. ❤ – and I will always listen.

    1. Thanks so much for saying this. It REALLY means a lot to me. I haven’t done DBT, because it hasn’t been available but it is nice to know that with the help of a very good therapist, I am learning the things I need to keep travelling on. I’m glad you have the opportunity to learn this stuff too… inspite of the yellow rain poncho. 🙂

    1. Thanks Josette. I would love to have you follow my blog and appreciate your kind words. Just add your email to the box on the right and you’re sorted. 🙂

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