What happens when you combine mental illness, Fibromyalgia, no effective pain medication, lack of sleep, confusion and a feeling of being totally disregarded by the medical profession? A lolly (candy) scramble of thoughts and emotions. This isn’t a fun lolly scramble. I hated lolly scrambles as a kid because there was this mad dash by all the kids and I feared I would be trampled on, and I always ended up with only a few lollies in my hand. None of it seemed fair.
This is one like that. Random thoughts attack making it hard to know what to do, who to listen and how to feel. I wonder what I will end up with, and whether I will have anything at the end… but bruises to show for my effort.
I really just want to sit down and cry right now. I am disappointed that my body is failing me. Yet again my head is doing me in. But this time in a neurological sense rather than psychiatric. I want to cry but I don’t. Maybe because I fear that if I start, I won’t stop. Maybe because I fear where it might lead. And maybe because I keep telling myself “think happy thoughts and this won’t really be happening”. Whatever the reason, it’s not happening. Totally dry eyes. It is so frustrating. I know I would feel better if I just had a damn good cry.
Since getting my diagnosis of Fibromyalgia earlier in the week, I have been flooded with information. Some of it has been kindly offered by readers and friends, some I have found in my search for knowledge. Some has been helpful, but some has been just plain scary. In the end I had to stop looking. I have a habit of wanting to read everything I can on whatever issue I face. This is good but sometimes it gets me into trouble, and blissful ignorance might have served me better. The problem is that I already have difficulty with regulating my emotions (thanks to my Borderline Personality Disorder). I already have a propensity toward being depressed by reality. I really don’t need any help to make myself feel bad. I can do that all by myself, and yet I find myself adding to it all by the information I search out.
The problem before me is that I have a neurological disorder that is now going to be with me for life. What’s more my doctor has told me there is no medication she can prescribe for me because of the medications I am already on (probably for life). I have pain everyday and I am thinking that if I can’t get medication then how am I going to cope with this pain? The pain is sufficient to stop me from doing normal everyday things.
This is what happens. I start to panic. If I can’t get medication then I am not going to be able to get a job. Does this mean I will never be able to work again? OMG! And if I can’t work, then I will have no money… for the rest of my life. OMG! And if I have no money then I can’t pay for the alternative therapies that I could otherwise try… acupuncture, osteopathy, Yoga, Pilates… the list goes on, but they all cost money. Next thing (and please don’t be alarmed because I actually do have this under control) I find myself thinking I’d be better off dead. What is the purpose of my life if it is going to be this bad, always? So I go down a familiar suicide track. Why? When? How? What? Where? I know this route only too well as I have been down this road many times before. When I manage to stop this line of thinking I start to think about self harming. That would relief the pressure, it would give me a break from these thoughts, somehow just seeing the blood would make me feel in control of all of this. Again familiar thinking, but thankfully today I can stop myself. I can say it won’t really help. And suicide is a dumb idea because there’s still things I want to do in my life.
It might seem like crazy thinking but it makes perfect sense to me. I’m not going down either track and I will eventually find some way of managing this illness. But it’s important to realise that it’s not just me that thinks this way. For many people, it’s completely normal, and unfortunately for many, they won’t be able to stop. I can stop this time and I hope I can continue to stop, because maybe these internal battles will continue. It’s pretty ‘normal’ for us carrying the load of mental illness. The lolly scramble of thoughts and feelings is really completely frightening because we have little idea where it will stop, and if we can stop it in time.
And I still want to cry.
- Pain… 24/7 (infinitesadnessorhope.wordpress.com)
- What’s in a label? (infinitesadnessorhope.wordpress.com)
- Realizing some things while doing research… (carlarenee45.wordpress.com)