It’s been a while… well, it has been a while for me since I wrote. In my last post, I commented that I thought I had turned a corner, and I firmly believe that in that I have gained a whole lot of peace that has been missing from my life for months. It doesn’t mean all the hurts are healed by any means, but it does mean that I can start to move forward.
That said, I stopped writing because I have simply been lost for words. I still am, but I’m trying to pull a few words together because for some people I owe them an explanation for my silence and absence. I know that I’m not doing a good job as a friend right now, because I guess I have cut myself off and withdrawn into my own world. There are a number of reasons for that, some of which I have a better understanding of than others.
Firstly, fibromyalgia. One of the symptoms of my fibro is my inability to recall the words I want to use in conversation. It applies to writing too but it simply takes longer, but for a conversation I am constantly struggling to come up with the words I want. There is a technical name for that, but I admit I can’t for the life of me remember. Ironic, isn’t it? But it’s just a label. It’s also something that is common for fibro sufferers although everyone’s symptoms are different, and so not everyone will struggle with it.
It is good when I have someone with me who knows me well. They can help me find the words I want, but usually I just look, and sound like I’m old before my time and my memory has gone, or just completely dumb. My memory hasn’t gone, and I’m not dumb. It’s simply about the brain processing information.
I admit that I get frustrated with it when it is particularly bad, and so I withdraw. Any form of communication becomes frustrating. It’s easier just to not go there.
But there’s another reason for my withdrawal, one which I don’t fully understand but that I’ve seen myself go through before. This past year has seen a lot of hurt for me. I haven’t been treated as well as I would like at times, and because of it, I have struggled to trust. The more I got hurt, the more I withdrew because I simply didn’t want to be hurt again.
It gets out of control when I don’t know who to trust, even my close friends. When the scared part of me shuts them out, as I have done, I know that I’m in problems. It’s just that acknowledging the problem is one thing, but changing the behaviour is another. It’s not that I don’t trust my friends, but it’s more that I don’t trust the world as a whole, and my friends get caught in the way. I’m sorry.
I have written in the past about Ted (see Real), and in this situation he becomes all that I trust. He becomes my world because I know he won’t hurt me. I said to myself a few months back that I wasn’t ever going to write about Ted again because the risk I took in my honesty about a very vulnerable part of my life was abused. But if you don’t get anything to do with Ted, then you won’t get me. Ted is, in part imaginary, as well as in part real. It’s confusing, I know. Over a long period of time he has been my way of coping with the world. When the world gets too much, I withdraw back to him.
Withdrawn is not a place I want to stay but if you haven’t heard from me, if I haven’t replied to messages, if I haven’t commented on your posts… this is why. I’m trying to learn to be a part of the world, a human, a trusting human again. I have got some peace, but now I need trust. Please bear with me in the meantime.
“If ever there is tomorrow when we’re not together… there is something you must always remember. You are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think. But the most important thing is, even if we’re apart… I’ll always be with you.”
― A.A. Milne
- Real (infinitesadnessorhope.wordpress.com)